Empty Space

Since I graduated from the University of Arizona this past May my life has changed quite a bit, and yet stayed the same. Today I find myself acutely aware of my position in life. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood. It is an uncomfortable, exciting & foreboding place of transition.

Now, instead of school and two jobs I simply have two jobs, the same two jobs I have held for the past 3 & 4 years. I'm not allowed to stay in these two jobs for much longer am I? After all, they are only temporary ;)

Increasingly, since graduating, I have been having a sense of panic or pressure to move on and up in the world. The voice in my head goes something like this; "Hope, you've graduated college and now it is time to leave these nothing jobs and do something else." Of course the voice is not quite so concise but that is the jist of it. The nagging question though is "What?" What do I do next?

These past months it has been with ease that I've been able to relax. Only work and after I can do whatever with my free time? Awesome. It is amazing how much you appreciate free time after being used to every bit of it being sucked away by work, school, or worrying about school. The luxury of easing back into a comfy chair and simply sitting with no urgent demands can be a mini utopia (It I were to re-write Alanis Morissette's song that would be in there!). Sudoku became an easy companion and after Sudoku I did the book reading thing. Now Netflix is my bud.

My routine lately has been work, come home to cozy up on our futon and watch my current favorite show (right now it is "Raising Hope"), with some occasional job hunting mixed in and cat feeding. I grab a beer, dinner or a snack and kick up my feet. The sensation of resting back and being off my feet & legs after standing all day is one of the most refreshing and glorious feelings. But today feels different. Today relaxation does not come as easy. Yes sitting back and having a beer is nice and I even managed to write a letter before caving and watching a tv show, but today my routine is starting to feel a little more like falling into a lifestyle of laziness & complacency rather than relaxation. My free time feels like a big empty space that needs to be filled with more than tv watching.

If anything this empty space,this time, is a loud reminder of myself. I feel the uncomfortable feeling I had all too often my first couple years of college. Wide open space and time to fill. What to fill it with? Should I clean now? Man, I really don't want to clean. I just want to sit and be mindless. Maybe I could I could...and I can't think of a thing to do. Then I launch into this conversation with myself;

"Hi me." I say "I'm feeling rather awkward & uncomfortable being here by myself. I don't know what I want to do." "What's new? You still the same 'ol Hope?"

Yes I do answer myself - (but please don't tell! ;))

Then I come to two little conclusions

1: Our culture tells us we have got to move up in life, make more money have the glamorous job in order to have the big house and be happy. I use to think that was a myth that our culture believed that, but I feel the burden oh so heavy on my shoulders.

2: Time alone with myself may be uncomfortable now and again when my mind is tired of being mindless- but it results in nifty difty little blog posts such as this ;-) Additionally, it helps me re-touch base with myself as life can whisk me away with all its happenings.